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73. Inner Peace Instead of Adrenaline

The past week made me reflect and was shaped by an unexpectedly deep inner calm. Despite very short skirts and the nervousness I used to feel, this time I felt completely confident and light. I noticed how satisfied I was with myself and my photos—something I had never truly felt before. This sense of balance felt new and at the same time incredibly beautiful. It was a week in which I was fully at peace with myself and simply rested within myself.

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72. Just Do Your Thing

I keep receiving comments from people who say I can live my life—but not in public or on social media. Yet it is just as much my right as anyone else’s to be visible and to take up space in public. Criticism of me showing myself or posting about my life ignores the fact that this is exactly what social media is about. At the same time, I reach people this way—people I can encourage or help see new perspectives. That is why I will no longer hide, but will continue to walk my path openly and self-determined.

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71. A Journey Without a Destination – And Yet Arrived

The past few years have been shaped by an intense journey that began without a clear destination, yet kept gaining momentum. Early defining experiences such as Basel, Europa-Park, and personal encounters laid the foundation for my path. Over time, cautious steps turned into a faster and more confident movement—even in my professional life. Supportive conversations and important decisions eventually brought me to the point where I could live openly and naturally as Nicole, both in everyday life and at work. Today, I look back with deep gratitude and feel that I have arrived—even without ever having had a fixed destination.

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70. Normal – Special
This week, I attended the Threat Management Forum in Basel again—an event I had previously hosted myself in Frankfurt. Although I have experienced many similar situations this year, this trip felt both completely normal and somehow special at the same time. Perhaps it was because I was traveling alone and confidently, feeling a sense of ease in everything I did. I enjoyed the event, the conversations, and the encounters, and felt completely comfortable with myself. It is exactly this mix of normality and something special that makes this experience so valuable to me.

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69. Positive Moments
In my last post, I wrote about my frustrations, but this time it is easy to talk about the many positive moments that give me strength. When I see my development in photos or receive kind feedback from my boss, colleagues, market vendors, or people at the Kleinmarkthalle, I feel genuine appreciation. More and more people interact with me in a completely natural and relaxed way—whether at a raclette evening, events, or in a professional setting. At the same time, people write to me saying they see themselves in my journey and gain courage from it—and that alone makes it worth continuing to share openly. I feel good, I feel I’ve arrived, and I’m grateful that I can live as I truly am.

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68. Hate and Malice
Since my “100 days” post, I have experienced a lot of nastiness—even outright hate—that I could not simply ignore. Between snide remarks, hurtful comments, and even threats of violence, it became clear how strongly some people try to hurt me. Many present their words as harmless opinions, but in reality they are trying to tell me that my existence bothers them and that I should make myself invisible. Yet I share my life without forcing it on anyone—and at the same time, I receive messages from people who draw strength from my journey. I needed to say all of this today before things become more positive again next time.

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67. 100 Days – A Short Reflection
After 100 days of being myself at the bank, I looked back and realized how diverse and special this time has been. Despite different outfits, tasks, and situations, I experienced openness, acceptance, and professionalism everywhere. The transition from my “twin brother” to my true self was an adjustment for everyone, but my colleagues handled it with great sensitivity. Even though there were occasional confused looks, they never came from my immediate environment, but from people who do not know me. I am especially grateful for the many appreciative responses—they give me strength and mean the world to me.

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66. Between Responsibility and Self-Discovery
In this post, I describe what it was like to go to the bank in a dress for the first time—unfamiliar, but not as nerve-wracking as my earlier outings. I reflect on my gradual journey: small changes, expanding my environment, and slowly shifting boundaries all the way to coming out. I also highlight the challenge of being authentic as a leader while still finding yourself. What mattered most to me was the openness and support of my team, who gave me the space to grow—just as I give them that same space. For me, leadership means mutual trust, appreciation, and strength.

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65. Are Compliments Allowed?
In this blog post, I talk about a colleague who gave me a sincere compliment about my dress in front of the Bank Tower—something that meant a lot to me, as it felt like genuine acceptance. I reflect on how compliments in professional settings have become rare, as many people avoid them out of fear of misunderstandings. Yet a respectful and appropriate compliment can be a small but meaningful gesture of appreciation. My conclusion: the next time you think something positive about someone’s outfit—say it. It might brighten their day.

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64. Letter to Christian
There are letters you don’t write for others—but for yourself. This is one of those letters. Not a love letter. Not a reckoning. It is my truth.

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63. When Clothing Is No Longer a Compromise
For decades, clothing meant adaptation and camouflage for me. Ties, functional clothing—anything, as long as it gave no hint that I existed. In the rare moments when I could appear, even if only in private, it had to be a dress or a skirt—and, of course, nylon stockings. Neither version reflected my personality; it was simply a way to function in an environment that did not know me—or was not allowed to know me. That’s why even my first two visits to Basel involved wearing skirts and dresses. I have already written about the vulnerability I felt during my second visit in a dress.

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62. Visibility
I often come across the word “visibility” in relation to myself, which made me reflect on what it means to me. For me, there is no single definition of visibility or one uniform effect. Perception changes over time and depending on who you are visible to. As a teenager, visibility meant one thing above all: being caught. Being visible would have meant that my parents, grandparents, or others would discover me. That thought triggered one thing above all—fear. Though, at times, it was also a little exciting.

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61. Surprised by Myself
I have so often written that I could never have imagined something—and even more often, I simply thought it to myself. So many things have happened since then; I have experienced and achieved so much that surprised or even amazed me—things I would never have dared to dream of. I have also written about the merging of personalities. Yes, the two I came from were very different in many ways, but also very similar in some. Shyness was definitely something they both shared.

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60. From Shy Mouse to Confident Department Head
This morning, while blow-drying and styling my hair, I thought about my first visit to Ivonne. It was my first cautious attempt to permanently change something about my appearance. Somewhat shyly, I showed her a picture of a hairstyle and asked if she could do something similar. I remember exactly how insecure I felt at the time. Of course, I was dressed as neutrally as possible back then.

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59. Once Upon a Time in Basel
“Once upon a time…” That’s how fairy tales begin. And if I were to write down the story of the past few years, travel back in time, and give it to my younger self to read, she would undoubtedly see it as a fairy tale. Why am I writing this now? Because last weekend I was in Basel with Claudia—so to speak, the place where my journey began. Or at least the part that truly deserves to be called a journey. Before that, it was more like standing still, with occasional small day trips.

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58. Leadership Offsite
At the beginning of February, I wrote about the conversation with my boss’s boss and also about our leadership offsite, which I wanted to attend openly as Nicole. Right after that conversation, I contacted the organizer and asked her to issue my name badge as Nicole. Back then, I would never have imagined that by that day my email and Teams names would already have been changed. Meeting around 80 colleagues in person at our conference hotel, Collegium Glashütten in the beautiful Taunus, would have caused me many sleepless nights just a year ago. But this time—no uneasy feeling, no racing heart, no “what if” thoughts.

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57. A Very Special Day
Today is a very special day for me. As of today, my name is displayed correctly in Outlook and Teams. I can hardly believe seeing it. But what happened? A few weeks ago, I informed my boss’s boss about Nicole and received positive feedback and support from him, just as I had from my own boss before. Not only that—shortly afterward, thanks to his initiative, I learned how seriously my bank takes this topic and how clearly it positions itself.

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56. Pumps
What I described as an illusion in 2020 is now reality. Back then, I wrote about a colleague I envied because she always came to the bank so chic in jeans and pumps—and how much I would have loved to do the same. But in the very next sentence, I dismissed it as an illusion. In fact, I was absolutely convinced of it. That’s why the photo of the two of us in pumps was taken during our first girls’ night.

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55. A Little Proud
Before the big offsite I wrote about last time, there was another day that really impressed me. “Impressed” might not be quite the right word—but by the evening, I was quite proud of myself. It was a day I could never have dreamed of. As is no secret, we had two major events that my department was involved in. I hadn’t dressed this formally—or put this much effort into my appearance—for a bank appointment in a very long time, certainly not as my former self. For the first time, I didn’t plan it days in advance or piece it together in my mind—I simply chose an outfit spontaneously that fit the occasion.

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54. Further and Faster
Recently, I told my boss that I felt as if my world had been spinning faster than the rest of the world for some time. In my last blog post, I mentioned that the first colleagues had started switching to Nicole and that I had spent my first days as myself at the bank. Since then, more days have passed, and my nail polish and lipstick have become bolder. Now that emails are circulating using the name Nicole, I spoke to my boss and told him everything that had happened since our last conversation about it. Back then, I had still answered his questions as Christian. Now he has joined the others.

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53. Into the Bank
The year isn’t even a month old, and already there is so much new. As expected, I received my first emails from a colleague addressing me as “Ms. Behrend,” which felt really good. But that’s not all—a very kind fellow department head read my last blog and spoke to me about it. To keep it short: he was so kind and switched to Nicole. That feels good too—both in emails and in meetings.

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52. Ms. Behrend?
Recently, I wrote about how I’ve been feeling more and more relaxed regarding my outfits and makeup, especially in video calls and office days. For people who don’t interact with me regularly, this must be confusing (maybe even for those who do). In any case, in several meetings recently, external participants consistently addressed me as Ms. Behrend. I admit—it felt really good. And I appreciated that my colleague in the meeting simply ignored it. By now, I’m confident enough to just enjoy it. Just like the fact that this year I attended Night of the Proms for the first time.

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51. So Many Questions
There’s a lot on my mind at the moment. One of the usual questions is, of course, how things will continue and what still lies ahead. After all, I never planned my path—it simply developed that way. Of course, at many points I stretched my boundaries, took risks, and made the next move. But I never had a plan for how things—or I—would evolve.

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50. Direction: Bank
Our vacation briefly interrupted the recent developments. For it, I had my nails shortened and painted in a more neutral baby boomer style. Yes, I also packed some clothing that belonged to Nicole—and waterproof mascara. Given temperatures of over 42°C, that turned out to be a very wise decision. Apart from being a wonderful holiday, I went straight back to the nail studio on the very first day afterward.

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49. An Eventful Weekend
Last time, I wrote about normality—and that continued strongly over the past weekend. On Thursday, a former colleague asked if we wanted to go to a concert on Friday. It was in our town, in the pedestrian zone, as part of a small festival spread across the city. Naturally, she asked Nicole—and just as naturally, Nicole went. It was quite crowded, but I still felt comfortable and fairly confident.

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48. Normal—And Yet Not Quite
Everything has become so wonderfully normal, I thought recently. But is it really? Of course, I still think about what to wear when going out or leaving the house—but one thing is always clear: it’s Nicole, with very few exceptions. Even when working from home, it would never occur to me not to wear makeup or not to put on one of Nicole’s tops. A family birthday in a dress, shopping and dining in Antwerp, a cheese tasting at our local delicatessen—including a selfie with the owner and his wife and a lively conversation with our previously unknown table neighbors—all of it feels completely normal. It doesn’t even occur to me to go as anyone other than Nicole.

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47. 5 Years
Exactly five years had passed last week since my second visit to Basel and the trip to Europa-Park that followed. A good reason to look back and draw some comparisons. One major difference is my hair, which makes me feel much more comfortable and secure. But a lot else has changed too. After arriving, I got ready and we went outside to take some photos. After less than 20 minutes, I wanted to go back inside—even though there was hardly anyone around.

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46. Surprised Myself
Originally, I just wanted to briefly write about an event I attended wearing my gel nails. But then a conversation with my best friend made me realize something else worth sharing. But first, the event: a week ago, I attended a two-day event with around 80 colleagues. The question was—gel or no gel? And if gel, should I shorten them significantly or not? I chose gel and kept them long. Since my last appointment had been three weeks earlier, I went to the nail salon the day before and had my baby boomer style refreshed.

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45. Statistics
I know it sounds crazy, but at some point I started keeping track of when I was out in public as Nicole. To be precise, it was in mid-2022, when the number of my outings increased significantly and I wanted to see, just for fun, how things were developing. The previous years were easy to reconstruct, and even the first half of 2022 was still manageable. Since then, I’ve been updating the list regularly. In 2022, it still wasn’t natural for me to get ready, grab my handbag, and step out the door. Back then, I would still look out the window and listen carefully to check if anyone was in the stairwell.

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44. Questions, Questions, Questions
Last time, I wrote that I was wearing makeup more and more often while working from home. To be more precise, by now it is basically every day. I vary the intensity of my makeup and my choice of tops depending on the appointments I have that day, but in fact it is always at least basic makeup and, 99% of the time, a scarf with my outfit. On top of that, I have had gel nails continuously since the end of November, which of course means I wear them to the office as well.

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43. It Continues
Quite some time has passed since my last post, and it is not as though nothing happened, but somehow I just never got around to writing. After our friends visited, we first went on vacation, which turned out differently than planned because we were in Israel during October 7. My twin spent those two weeks there, even though some of my clothes were with us as well. After the vacation, it was my time again.

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42. Weekend with Friends
The weekend before last, I was able to be the hostess at home for the first time. Dear friends came to stay with us over the weekend, and it was the first time they met Nicole. What was also funny was that there were two Nicoles present on those days. To this day, I still do not have an answer to my namesake’s question about why I chose the name Nicole. I have thought about it for a long time. I know that I started calling myself Nicole at the latest in Luxembourg, but I can neither say exactly when nor how I ended up choosing that particular name.

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41. Frankfurt Wine Festival – Small-Town Melsungen
After one wine festival comes the next. Last time, I wrote about my visit to the wine festival in Neu-Isenburg. After that small event, things got a bit bigger. Our friend Martina, with whom we usually went to the Schirn, suggested that this time we go to the cinema and watch Jeanne du Barry. We happily went along with this new idea, and because the Rheingau Wine Festival was taking place in Frankfurt at the same time, we swapped a restaurant visit for a visit to the festival. In wonderful weather, we met at the stand of Weingut Mohr and enjoyed a cozy glass of wine.

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40. The Best Woman in the World
Last time, I had written about my beautiful journey through Germany and had already mentioned that there would then be a wine festival. Somehow, though, things did not continue quite as nicely as in the days before. A skin problem on my chin made me refrain from shaving. At first, that was not a big deal. But according to my weather app, rain was forecast for the early evening, so the wine festival was off.

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39. Who Would Have Thought?
Walking along Kurfürstendamm completely relaxed in pumps, drinking champagne at KaDeWe, sitting in the hotel lobby in a bright red dress and having coffee—who would ever have associated such things with me? Until not too long ago, not even I would have. I think I had never felt as free as I did that week. But from the beginning. On Friday, I went to the nail salon. This time, I got baby boomer gel nails.

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38. “Application Photos”
I had been thinking about getting professional photos taken for a long time. By then, I had already gotten some practice taking pictures of myself with my iPhone, but properly done ones would of course be nicer. Now that I was also moving around more and more freely in Neu-Isenburg, I finally wanted to make it happen. For the first time, I replaced the original idea of a real photo shoot with various poses, perhaps even outdoors in beautiful settings, with simple “application photos” and a set of biometric pictures. Not for an ID card or passport, but perhaps I might use them when I switch my driver’s license to the new format. For that day, I put extra effort into my hair and used an extra amount of hairspray.

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37. Adrenaline?
Looking back on the past few months, I can only say that it has been an incredible development. But things continued after my last visit to Osnabrück. It began with the old town festival in Neu-Isenburg. A completely normal Friday morning: I had gotten ready for working from home, which meant putting on my new favorite dress and doing my makeup. During the day, Melanie then reminded me about the festival.

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36. Party – Completely Relaxed
It was an incredibly wonderful weekend in Osnabrück, but actually that is not quite true. It was a completely relaxed, completely normal weekend—and that is ultimately what made it such a great one. Four days of simply being myself. It started with me painting my nails in my favorite red already on Thursday, which raised the question of whether I should pick up the rental car from Europcar properly as Nicole. The alternative only crossed my mind briefly, and so on Friday I took a taxi to Europcar in a dress and with a large handbag.

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35. Meeting with My Ex-Wife
“Come however you like.” That sentence was an invitation I could not resist. My ex-wife had written it in response to my question whether it would be okay if I came to our dinner a little more feminine. But from the beginning. I had to travel to Hamburg for work, and since I was staying overnight, I asked my ex-wife Bella whether she would like and have time to go out to dinner with me. Bella had known about Nicole even before the wedding, but honestly I cannot remember having shown myself to her that often.

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34. Communion
The days over Christmas in Osnabrück had shown me that I no longer had to hide there either. Combined with the experience of “crowds” at the Chagall exhibition, I decided to spend my next visit with the family in Osnabrück entirely as Nicole. Three days, including a First Communion and the family celebration afterward. As always, I started thinking about my outfits early on, especially the one for church. My outfit for the journey there and back was supposed to be feminine but comfortable for the car ride, while the communion celebration outfit was to be a little more neutral.

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33. Chagall – A Dream (or Nightmare)
In February, the time had come again. The date with Martina to visit the Schirn had already been set since last year. The fact that there were entry slots, just like in the height of the Covid period, should have made me think. But before the Schirn came the tram ride to Frankfurt—the first one without a mask. What can I say?

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32. Christmas and Family
I had already mentioned in my last post that the last days of the year would be special for me. They were, so to speak, my weeks. I had decided to shape that time in my own favor. My luggage contained no items reserved for Christian. Everything was feminine or “dual-use,” from the shoes to the tops.

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31. Family Gathering
My distant cousin Kati had planted the idea in my head. She really wanted finally to meet Nicole in person, and so did her mother. So perhaps I could come to the family gathering this year. I had immediately agreed to some crazy ideas before—or even had some myself—but I was not entirely enthusiastic about this one from the start. Had my self-confidence really developed that much muscle already?

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30. Positives and Negatives
It has been a while now, and besides, I would also like to write about something nice, so I might as well get this really stupid experience off my chest. Dressed as you can see in the picture, I went to the nearby Schiesser outlet and asked the young girl there—probably a trainee—for a certain pair of panties. She disappeared and came back with a colleague who was not really much older. I repeated the name and was told that they did not have them. She asked me to describe them, which I did, and she showed me a pair of men’s briefs made of the shiny black fabric I had described. When I replied that I was looking for women’s panties, she went to another rack and showed me exactly the pair I had named in the first place.

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29. Luxembourg in a Whole New Way
It has been 26 years—26 years since I was first able to spend a lot of time as Nicole in Luxembourg and try things out for myself. I have written about it here before. But first things first. Friends had suggested meeting Christian and Melanie for dinner near Koblenz, and Melanie said that on the way back we could make a detour through Luxembourg. I liked the idea—and even more the fact that she immediately agreed when I asked whether Nicole could go to Luxembourg.

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28. To Sachsenhausen with Highlights
I am not saying that visits to the Schirn had become routine, but my excitement was very limited—more precisely, I only got a little nervous while getting ready. But before the Sunday outing, there was another lovely appointment: a visit to Ivonne at the hair salon. What can I say—get ready, grab my handbag, and off I go. When I think back to earlier times and my trembling hands when opening the door. I no longer worried about the neighbors at all.

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27. Shopping? I Can Do It!
I still remember my first time at the Isenburg Center. Head lowered, quickly to the parking machine to pay, and then just as quickly back to the car. That was at the end of February 2020. Back then, it felt like a crazy idea to have Christian park the rental car there so I could get used to my upcoming public appearance. I certainly would never have dreamed at the time of quickly going shopping in the mall as well. About 28 months later, things looked very different.

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26. The Struggle
A very dear colleague recently asked me how Nicole and Christian actually get along. Maybe she is not the only one wondering that. I had already written before about yin and yang and the fact that the two simply belong together. Now, I do not have multiple personality disorder—at least not as far as I can diagnose myself—and so the two are of course not strictly separate. They share memories, preferences, and they love the same person (Nicole just always has to be careful to use the correct conjugation when saying it in Hebrew 😊), etc. But there are also very clear differences.

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25. Hairstyle
Today, a different topic for once—my hairstyle. Of course, this has been an issue for me for ages. Since childhood, I had worn fairly short hair; at its shortest, it was only 5 millimeters long. That is not exactly ideal for going out en femme. Of course, there are wigs, and over time I had a few of those too.

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24. Frankfurt
The first outing had still been far away, in Basel. Rust was not exactly much closer, but Europa-Park was in a completely different league simply because of the number of visitors. Compared to that, Rüdesheim was almost like a suburb, especially since many colleagues also live scattered around the Rheingau. But while thinking about a “prelude” to the third girls’ night, the idea of taking an outing right into the heart of my everyday life was, even for the rapid development of the last few years, almost an exponential leap. A museum came to mind, and there was an exhibition at the Schirn about Paula Modersohn-Becker that interested us both.

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23. Girls’ Night, Round Two
As already announced, there was to be another edition of girls’ night. However, with an unexpected twist. My better half said to me that I was excluding her and asked why Nicole was always doing something without her. I had always tried not to burden her with it, also because I did not want to force her to separate Christian and Nicole, but apparently I had been mistaken. So the planning began.

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22. Girls’ Night
On the way to Hanau, I slowly got used to the unfamiliar feeling of driving as Nicole. Unfortunately, the weather developed in complete contrast to my growing calm. When I arrived in Hanau, it was raining. On the one hand, that meant I could hide behind the umbrella and there were only a few people around; on the other hand, it also meant that the opportunities for a little photo shoot were limited. I entered my colleague’s apartment excitedly and was delighted by her natural manner and the positive feedback.

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21. Female Colleagues, the First
As I wrote in my last blog, by that point I had also confided in a few female colleagues from work. One of them suggested having a girls’ night so she could see Nicole in person. After a bit of back and forth, we started planning. As before, the question of what and where was very important, but equally essential was a new outfit for the occasion. The first thing that was clear was what kind of shoes it had to be—black pumps.

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20. Friends & Family – Balm for the Soul
Last time, I wrote a lot about the less pleasant reactions. But there were also many positive experiences, and by that I do not mean the outings, but the moments when I first told people in my circle about Nicole or gently nudged them toward her existence. For a long time, there were only a few people—not even a handful—who knew both sides of me. It was not until 2016 that I began telling part of my family and friends. Of course, I got many surprised reactions, but not in a negative sense; usually people said they never would have guessed on their own. In all that time, I did not experience a single rejecting or dismissive reaction.

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19. Emotionally Drained
It is probably difficult to understand, but I had reached a point where I was simply emotionally exhausted. I just could not go on anymore. Even though the others would gladly have stayed longer, and in principle I would have too, I had to get out of that situation. Claudia still worries that she expected too much of me or that it was not a great day for me, but that is not true. It was an unforgettable, wonderful day.

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18. Europa-Park, Here I Come
At the crack of dawn, I got up before everyone else; it was time to shower, do my makeup, and get dressed. Of course, doing makeup takes a little longer when you have not been doing it every day all your life, but I was ready for breakfast on time as well. After that, we set off for Rust. Of course, my tension rose the closer we got to Europa-Park. Then the moment finally came: we parked near the entrance, and I had to leave the safety of the car. Like all the other women, I had to open my handbag and have it checked.

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17. Basel, Jeans, and Teppanyaki
In May, the time had finally come. Almost two years after my first trip to Basel, I was on the train there again. This time, properly and not recklessly, with all my things packed in a suitcase. Around midday, I arrived in Basel. As always, Claudia picked me up at the station, and then we went home.

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16. A New Destination – Europa-Park
As I already described during my first trip to Basel, courage and recklessness are sometimes very close together for me. It was the same when Claudia and I talked about what we would do during my next visit. To understand the result, you have to know that Claudia and her family are huge fans of Europa-Park and visit it very often. Only in that combination could it probably happen that a joint visit to the park suddenly became an option. I admit that I wanted to outdo the first trip the next time—longer, bolder, or both. It was meant to be another challenge for my self-confidence.

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15. My Self-Confidence Gets Its First Muscles
I lived off the memory of my trip to Basel for a long time. The most obvious thing from those hours, of course, was and still is the photos we took. But two other things stayed with me as well. First, there were the wonderful memories of all the moments that were not captured in pictures and the impressions and feelings I was able to take away from that time—whether it was the view over the Rhine or the unfamiliar feeling of wearing a skirt in public.

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14. Basel – The Big Evening
Just as it had begun on the train, it continued in Basel. By midday, the temperatures were already around 30 degrees Celsius, far too warm for a jacket. Standing on the tram without a seat, I felt completely exposed with my distinctly curved polo shirt and my handbag over my shoulder. But Claudia’s presence gave me security, and little by little I began to get used to it. After a short stop at Claudia’s home, we headed to the beautician.

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13. Basel – The Journey: Brave or Reckless?
Bit by bit, the plans became more concrete. Thanks to Claudia, we even arranged an appointment with a beautician for professional makeup. The planning for my clothes also became increasingly specific. In addition to a beige skirt I already had, I bought an airy blue blouse. “Airy” was a very fitting word, because the closer the date came, the clearer it became that it would be warm—warmer than I would have liked. For the trip to Basel, only trousers were an option.

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12. Basel – The Planning
As I described last time, I had indeed become bolder in my small outings, but they were still very small steps. More as a joke, we came up with the idea of daring more in Basel, far away from people who might happen to run into me. Of course, the idea had its charm, but at the same time it felt somewhat foolhardy. Over the course of weeks, the topic kept resurfacing. When would it work?

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11. Back in Germany
From Tokyo, I returned to Germany. At first, I lived in a small furnished apartment. Perhaps it was that, and the suddenly shockingly poor internet connection compared to Tokyo, that gave me such crazy ideas. I bought an epilator and started epilating my legs. It was still one of those old models with a rotating coil, nothing like the devices available today.

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10. Alone in the Crowd
Before I continue writing about the next stages, I want to say something about this topic. All of us—or at least 99.9% of us—seek recognition, praise, or affection. For someone like me, that is difficult. Yes, one half can strive for it and receive it, but the other half remained hidden away for a very long time. And if nobody knows, then nobody can react positively.

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9. Regret – Frustration?
I did not only miss many opportunities to live this side of myself in Tokyo. There were also many opportunities before and after that which I did not take. Do I regret it? Sometimes, yes. So why did I not make use of that time?

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8. Through Moscow to Tokyo
After the incredibly intense time in Luxembourg came a real dry spell for Nicole. First I went to Frankfurt, to a small apartment. Most of my clothes and belongings were stored in Berlin in the meantime. During those months, absolutely nothing happened, which was really hard after having been able to live things out so often before. Then I moved on to Moscow.

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7. Luxembourg – The Apartment
After just under a year, the full-service arrangement came to an end. My employer had found me an apartment, which was of course much cheaper, but for me that also meant no service. The almost even bigger downside was the fact that instead of being allowed to fly home once a month, I was allowed to fly home twice, which cut into my time as Nicole. On the other hand, I experimented with tinted hair mousse and used the bright apartment to take lots of photos that I still enjoy today. Of course, I also went for walks there, always with my heart racing whenever I left the building or came back.

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6. Luxembourg – The Hotel II
Maria—she was the good soul of my hotel, the one who cleaned the rooms together with Isabel. Because she came into my room every day, I was very careful and always put everything neatly away in the wardrobes. Regularly, I would leave the tip on the counter in my room together with a little note, and just as regularly I would get a little note back with a sweet thank you. Once, when there had been a misunderstanding about a no-cleaning day and I had simply left the weekend chaos, including the kitchen and my washed laundry, as it was, I got a surprise. When I came back from work, the room was spotless and my laundry had been ironed and folded.

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5. Luxembourg – The Hotel
Luxembourg was not only a truly new chapter in my double life because of the failed walk I mentioned last time. Ever since I started, I had first been restricted by living in the house with my parents and grandparents, and immediately afterward by my first wife in our shared apartment, so I could only rarely pursue my passion. For the first time, that changed a little when I worked in Neubrandenburg for a while and only commuted home on weekends or in exceptional cases. It cannot have been much, because I must admit I have hardly any memories of that time, and the busy prefab apartment block I lived in was not exactly an ideal setting either. Was an aparthotel really that much better? Surprisingly, it was.

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4. Caught or Not?
I have been pursuing this passion for around 40 years now, so have I ever actually been caught the way one might imagine? At home, all dressed up because you think you are alone, and then your parents, girlfriend, or wife come home and you have no chance to change, let alone remove your makeup or nail polish? No, fortunately that has never happened to me. Although—fortunately? There were certainly many fantasies about it, but I do not think it would really have moved me forward.

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3. The Next Step
Last week, I wrote about my love of nylons and how my journey began. So it was not really surprising that it did not stop with panties and tights. Dresses, skirts, sweaters—nothing in my mother’s wardrobe was safe from me. I loved her reddish-brown boots, and I think I was sadder than she was when they ended up in the trash and I found out too late. By the way, the subject of throwing things away accompanied me as well, but that is for another time. You can call it brave or reckless, and I am sure my mother must have noticed something, given how shamelessly I helped myself to her things.

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2. Nylon

As an 11-year-old, I discovered how wonderful it felt to touch my mother's nylon stockings and would often sneak down to the basement to run my hands over the ones hanging on the clothesline—so fine and light, far more beautiful than anything my parents bought for me. Soon I was rummaging through the laundry basket, trying on a pair, and was incredibly excited by the amazing sensation on my skin. This led me to add my mother's panties to my collection, as my own underwear simply didn't fit. That moment laid the foundation for my lifelong passion for nylon, which, like a rubber band, has always drawn me back, despite all my attempts to shake it off.

1. Me - Nicole

In my post, I speak openly and bravely about my identity as a trans woman and describe myself as a wanderer between worlds. With images like yin and yang, I illustrate that both gender identities are equally a part of me. This realization was the result of a long, painful process filled with fear, shame, anger, and self-doubt. Finally, I managed to accept myself – and in the next part, I'd like to tell you how this journey began.